I am 30 weeks pregnant and my baby is the size of a head of cabbage, at 15.7 inches long and roughly three pounds. Who knew a head of cabbage weighed that much!? Just thinking about it is making me hungry.

That’s all I seem to think about lately—what I’m going to eat for breakfast the second I wake up (which is usually nothing or a strawberry-banana yogurt); what I’m going to eat for a snack (crackers, pretzels or whatever’s in my drawer at work); what’s for lunch (salad, sandwich) and then dinner (pasta, chicken, burger, pizza), and then of course dessert (which is usually ice cream). My entire day revolves around my meals—I am not the best eater normally, so I have to literally carve out specific times to eat. I’m also carving out time to go to the bathroom most days, but in my third trimester that means I’m furiously darting off to our disgusting coed bathroom at work about every 20 minutes. And by disgusting I mean, the seat is almost never down or clean. And even when the bathroom has been unattended for longer than 10 minutes, there’s always a nasty lingering odor. These things do not add up to a pleasant peeing experience when your senses are at an all-time high.

Both eating and peeing when you’re pregnant confuse the hell out of me. No matter how many times you do both, you are never fully satisfied. I am so hungry at times I feel almost faint, but the first bite of food I take often makes me feel so full to the point of being nauseous. It’s the same thing when I pee—I come so close to having an accident in my pants, but when I  finally make it to the toilet I’m lucky to get a drip out. And then I have to go to the bathroom again about 10 minutes later.

As if pregnancy isn’t hard enough on us, we need these problems too? And don’t even get me started on the heartburn that keeps me up at night. There isn’t an antacid on the market strong enough to cure what’s ailing me. And please don’t tell me to keep my head propped up on a pillow, Internet, because it’s impossible to sleep like that when you also have to lie on your side with a pillow wedged between your legs to support your very oblong new figure. Picture it: Not. Comfortable. At. All.

It’s a lose-lose-lose all around.

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