I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting nervous for my scheduled C-section. Even though everyone I’ve asked has told me that C-sections are in fact “no big deal.” I find that very hard to swallow, considering it’s major abdominal surgery…performed while you’re awake. Awake, as it not under a general anesthetic. Yes. Like I said, I’m starting to panic.

I was texting my friend Julie who had a scheduled C-section by the same doctor (I switched OBs in my 7th month of pregnancy, more on that later), and she said to make sure Dr. Sibul “sews your abs up tight.” SEWS MY ABS UP TIGHT? I need to TELL him to do this!??

What if she hadn’t told me to tell the doctor that? Would he not have known to sew my abs up tight? And what does that even mean? That I would have saggy abs, to match my saggy ass? I’m sorry, but please tell me again how a scheduled C-section is NO BIG DEAL?

I’m still unclear as to why they don’t put you to sleep for this? Don’t give me this crap about being awake during the birth of your child. Yes, that would be nice and all, but I’d rather be ASLEEP for MAJOR SURGERY, thank you very much.

I can’t even get nervous about becoming a mother right now, because all I can think about is the first hurdle: surviving surgery without having a panic attack. What if I am panicking so much I squirm on the operating table, or worse…what if I faint? Can you faint lying down? What if I can’t bear it? Let me rephrase that, I can’t bear it!

And when I try to talk to Jay about how nervous I am, all he says to me is, “Babe, you’re going to be fiiiine.” Oh, really now. How do you figure? I’m being sliced open and having my insides ripped out…with my eyes open…WHILE I’M AWAKE. Does that sound fiiiine?

And here I thought I would’ve preferred a C-section over doing this thing vaginally. Shame on me for ever saying that out loud. Maybe I’m being punished for speaking such nonsense. Now I wish I could do it like how it’s portrayed (um glorified?) in the movies…my water breaks…I yell, “Honey, grab the suitcase! My water broke!”…and we scurry around looking for our neatly packed suitcase and dart off to the hospital, doing breathing exercises in the car…we get to the hospital…flash to me in bed pushing and Jay wiping the sweat from my forehead while gazing into my eyes and telling me how beautiful I am…then I say something cute like, “I can’t believe you did this to me!”…everyone in the room laughs…I scream…once…twice…three times…and the baby’s out. “It’s a (boy or girl)!”

And scene.

Why can’t it be that easy?

2 thoughts on “C-Section, Shme-Section

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